The other night were looking at how a person would move if they were grabbed. If I would need to escape, I would apply one type of movement. If I had to control a person that was dangerous to themselves and others that would be a different idea. The point I am making is that martial arts has many tools, but you have to understand the context that they are used in. What kind tools do you have in your personal martial art?
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In self-defense we seek not to hurt. We only seek balance. You see in self-defense, it not about wining or losing it is about the ending of violence and bringing a balance and order to things. Without balance and order the universe cannot flow. This paradigm shift is very important to do when you want to grow as a person also. It is not about being soft, or ego. It is about balance.